No se puede una fiar ni del tiempo...

Blimey, mira que tiene complejos este pueblo. Cuando nos vamos a entera que we are British and that's that.

Gosh, que te pasa, my dear Cloti.

Mira, es que mire un debate que habia en eI televisho, y me dio asco. We think we cannot do this or that, we cannot say this or the other, porque someone or other might think we are being anti-British, what a cachonfinger.

Ah, well, I now know what you mean. It must be some kind of inferiority complex, my dear, or we should consult a psychiatrist or algo de eso, porque you are quite right.

Digo que I am right. For the example, we are holding un referendum which affects the Gibraltarians because we are the indigenous population. Therefore, the only people who should be allowed to take part are Gibraltarians. Y que no se moleste nadie.

I agree on that.

Claro que you agree, it's common sense. Mira, if Spain held a referendum to decide if it wanted to integrate with Portugal, obviously only Spaniards would be allowed to vote. No iban a votar los turistas de Ia costa y los immigrants que llegan en pateras every day.

Claro.

And if the UK held a referendum to decide if they wanted joint sovereignty with the USA, no iban a votar los foreign residents or Gibraltarians who happened to be there to buy a lottery ticket.

I agree entirely with your analysis, my dear, if you carry on like this te hacen QC.

Bueno, bueno. Y al Chief Ministron y a El Bigote se le pusieron los pelos en pie cuando se enteraron del shooting that took place outside the UN building.

Anda mujer, eso es tan grande que a lo mejo ni se enteraron.

Anyway, con lo de Iraq al rojo vivo, we can expect poco caso for our caso.

You may have hit the nail on the cabeza, I am sorry to say. I mean, no nos hacen caso nunca, hasta cuando no pasan cosas fat, so this time round we might attract even less attention.

Lo que es una lastima y esta mal. Y este ano there was a new dimension cuando el Chief Ministron started talking about 'smoke and mirrors', I don't know if he meant Indian smoke signals.

O a lo mejor era como en ese cuento de 'mirror, mirror on the wall, who is the fairest of them all?'

Mind you, el United Nations parece un nursery porque no se enteran de nada, like little boys and girls.

Y el Bigote corrected Miss Palace's geography about Ceuta being in Europe and Gibraltar not being in Europe, like I was telling you the other day.

Yo creo que del Governator down (or is it up?) escuchan our conversation, porque we elucidate them all of the time.

Hablando de El Duro, me dicen que los ministrones no fueron al ceremony of the keys, I don't know if it was a boycott porque they have another key.

No se, pero el Mini Minor tampoco fue al Tory dinner ni al debate on the televisho, so something is cooking.

Anyway, what we have to do is votar en el referendum y sin complejo. Y que no voten los que no deben, like los difuntos.

Claro, otherwise they would have held it en el dia de los difuntos, I imaginate. And by the way, it is plain sailing to find out who should not vote, just go to the referendum website, pon el nombre de alguien you suspect y te sale el Gibraltar address donde no vive.

Oh, that gives me something to do this weekend, porque no se puede una fiar ni del tiempo. Ciao.

Bye...

The Armando LaGrande column

Going wild over the apes

I don't know if you read what I read but I read about the ombudsman having received a complaint about a car being damaged by an ape, and neither GONHS nor the Gibraltar Tourist Board wishing to accept responsibility.

Oh dear me. Who owns the apes - nobody?

Once upon a time the apes were the responsibility of the MOD, but subsequently the dear animals came under the Gibraltar Government. The Tourist Board discharge such a responsibility - or lack of it - on behalf of the Government, and in turn dish out a management-of-the-apes fee to GONHS.

Now, then, they claim that the apes are wild animals and they cannot accept responsibility. That is a pretty wild statement to make, because being wild is a relative term

It is one thing that there are animals in the wild' of Africa, and it is something else what we have in our dear Gibraltar. Here, what we have are apes 'living in the wild', but in clearly defined, demarcated and known locations.

Hence, it is not wild to say that someone must have a responsibility if something goes wrong. They cannot all, in unison, wash their hands...

If the apes are fed and looked after, that is a responsibility. It is, in fact, acceptance of responsibility.

And if once upon a time they were owned by the MOD, they are now owned by the GoG.

So, come on. No more beating round the bush:

Let someone own up, control the apes, and if something goes wrong, accept responsibility for the it.
This is not the wild West...

Just one more left...

Just one more left and it is to the left.

You don't know what I mean? I will gladly explain, dear chaps.

Felix Alvarez was in the Liberal Party, then moved to the ILF, and now to the Labour. If he makes another move, he will have been a member of every political party.

All he has to do is labour to the Left. Got it?

Let's claim the treasure

Well, more outlandish things happen in Gibraltar these days. If we can fly our flag on MOD land, why don't we go down under the sea (flag and all) and claim that the £3 billion gold treasure in the Sussex wreckage is also ours?

But the MOD have beat us to it. They have struck a deal with a US exploration company and are to share the proceeds from this treasure island of a warship.

In the same way that we say Gibraltar is ours because we have been here so long, we can say that the treasure is ours because it has been out there for longer.

Okay, we should not be greedy and claim it all. Let us have a share of what the MOD are going to receive, after all the MOD have enough money and do not really need more.

I think we should alert all our pressure groups to take action. Bring in Sir Francis Drake - the lookalike that is - and let's send out an armada of boats, not to sink anything because it is already down, but to bring it up with an old dockyard crane.

We can then share the treasure - and buy up Spain, call it Gibraltar, and the claim will have disappeared.

I give up.

Extracts from Chief Justice’s speech at the opening of the Legal Year

MORE CASES, 16 TRIALS PENDING

It is customary at this ceremony to review the statistics and performance for the past year of both the Magistrates’ Court and the Supreme Court.

The statistics from the Magistrates’ Court show yet again an Increase in the volume of cases and 1 think the Stipendiary Magistrate and the Clerk to the Justices have concluded that to keep the work under manageable control they will have to work towards the Justices of the Peace sitting a little more frequently. Fortunately it is anticipated that the Governor will make five new appointments to the lay bench shortly and this increase in manpower should assist in any new arrangements in that regard.

At the time of writing there are 16 criminal trials pending in the Supreme Court of which at least two promise to he substantial hearings but in several of which we anticipate pleas of guilty. This increase in cases pending of three over the past year is due in part to the fact that several serious matters have reached the Courts and in part to the moratorium I placed on hearings pending the decision in what I call the women jurors case However there are yet more cases to be committed from the Magistrates’ Court and we must endeavour to Cut through the backlog.

MARRIAGE BREAKDOWNS: Divorces up

One figure which stands out in those provided to me by the Registry is the number of divorce and separation suits filed in the year. In recent years the figure has been over one hundred and in the last year it reached 139. This is a high number of marriage breakdowns in a population of 30,000 and represents a social problem which finds expression in the Courts. A great deal of the time of the Supreme Court judges is spent in the privacy of our rooms attempting to resolve the issues raised by a breakdown of family life in terms of maintenance to be paid and the distribution of family property, hut more importantly issues concerning the children.

I regard it as one of my most important functions to attempt, by my orders, to reduce the impact of divorce and separation on the children, sometimes it seems to me against the contrary efforts of their parents. In this I know I have the support of the Family ear. 1 also have the support of the Social Services Agency which provides the vital function of providing the Courts with reports to assist us decide which parent should have custody of a child and what orders we should make regarding access to the child by the parent who does riot have custody. All too often, and this is always a matter of grave concern to the Court, the Social Services Agency acts as a referee between parents who are using the children as emotional weapons against each other. If the children of these failed unions are not to end up emotional wrecks or at the wrong end of the criminal justice system then Gibraltar needs an efficient and effective family conciliation service and divorce court welfare department.

It is right here that I should pay tribute to the improvements which have been effected in the service provided to the Court by Milbury Care Services which has run the Social Services Agency for the past 5 years hut whose contract expires next month. Rod Campbell who has been with us for a year, and before him Mr Nicholson, led teams which gave us the professional guidance we required.

Gone are the days when the Courts had to rely on one grossly-overworked probation officer who had to make his reports regarding children between his appointments with probationers.

Quite how much reliance we place on the Agency has been demonstrated recently when it had only the services of one part-time Child Care Officer who, as excellent as she is, has been unable to cope with the demands for reports and assistance placed upon her. Fortunately two new officers have been appointed to the Agency and one will be drafted to the Children and Families team, so it is hoped that with the extra hand the new organisation of the Agency will return to the Courts the assistance it has grown to expect arid which in fact it needs.

In England there is a newly-founded family conciliation service and divorce court welfare department attached to the Court and independent of the Social Services Department which also provides guardian ad litem services. We in Gibraltar should be examining whether there is a need for this type of service and, if so, whether it is the best way forward.

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